How to Deal With Someone Who Blames You for Everything? (2022)

Last Updated on June 29, 2022 by Alexander Burgemeester

“What do you do against someone who blames you for everything?

Because it’s almost like I can’t do anything right. No matter how hard I try, it’s never good enough.

I just get told how stupid I am or how I should have done it differently. I feel so exhausted and resentful.”

Does this mental script sound familiar in your relationship? Are you constantly being told that you’re the problem, even if you’re just doing your best?

If so, you may be asking yourself, why do people blame others for their problems? Why is it never their fault but always yours?

There are many reasons why this happens—blaming someone else for your problems is called narcissism, denial, and projection.

It’s also merely an intense form of self-absorption and selfishness. After all, it’s much easier to throw your problems onto someone else rather than reflect inwards.

How do you deal when you’re on the receiving end of this awful cycle? Let’s get into what you need to know.

  • 4 Common Traits of People Who Blame
  • What to Do When Someone Blames You for Everything?
  • How to Deal With Someone Who Blames You for Everything? An Overview
  • Final Thoughts

4 Common Traits of People Who Blame

Not all blamers are the same, but many of them share similar traits. Understanding these traits can give you better insight into your relationship.

#1 Narcissistic Tendencies

Narcissists are notorious for blaming everyone and everything around them.

This projection happens because they believe they know how to do things the right way. Moreover, they cannot accept accountability when making a mistake, even if everyone else recognizes it.

If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, they may blame you for:

  • Being too sensitive.
  • Not being a good enough/attentive enough partner.
  • Their mental health.
  • Any and all problems that exist in your relationship or family dynamic.
  • The relationship ending.

In other words, don’t expect a formal acknowledgment or sincere apology after a conflict.

In some cases, you might receive a fake apology, but they only make this effort to meet their needs and restore the usual status quo in your relationship.

#2 Poor Impulse Control

I didn’t want to buy the car. But you kept mentioning wanting a new one, and the price was unbeatable!

(Video) How to Deal with People Who are Blaming You.

I would have loved to say, but my job was toxic. I should have quit months ago.

You always said you wanted to go to Hawaii! That’s why I booked the plane ticket. I wanted to make you happy.

Blamers tend to have poor impulse control. They often make erratic financial decisions without thinking about the consequences.

When confronted, they then blame something else to defend their action.

In many cases, to present as a victim or hero, they will deny that they wanted to make that choice in the first place!

#3 Fear of Rejection

Most people worry about rejection from time to time. But some blamers have such an intense fear of rejection or abandonment that they use blame as a shield to protect their ego.

This fear can manifest for many reasons, including:

  • Having a history of trauma.
  • Having a history of persistent rejection in the past.
  • Low self-esteem.
  • Unstable, toxic relationships.
  • Personality disorders or traits of personality disorders.

Regardless of the origin, this fear can cause people to want to present perfectly in front of others.

As a result, they refuse to acknowledge their shortcomings and assume responsibility when they make mistakes.

#4 Enabling Loved Ones

A blamer can only blame as much as someone else tolerates it. If you refuse to take responsibility for their accusations, they can’t do much with their blame. Instead, they have to sit with their own discomfort.

Unfortunately, many people assume the blame for the blame.

They guilt themselves, question what they may have done wrong, and falsely believe that the blamer knew best.

What to Do When Someone Blames You for Everything?

My wife blames me for everything. I don’t take out the trash right.

I’m not wearing the right shirt for the occasion. I didn’t feed the kids the right kind of dinner.

It’s so frustrating, and it makes me feel like I’m never enough. Am I just stupid, or is she just mean?

Label The Dynamic

The first step to untangling this problem is recognizing it. In our relationships, we sometimes want to give our partners the benefit of the doubt.

We want to believe they have our best interests at heart, and we don’t like to acknowledge their shortcomings.

But if you’re in a relationship with someone who constantly blames you, they don’t have your best interests at heart.

(Video) Do This When Someone Blames You | Art of Living

They aren’t respecting you or your efforts. This relationship is one-sided, and it results in you feeling guilty, insecure, and angry.

This insight may be painful. It can be especially difficult if you identify as an empath and feel overly sensitive to the needs of others.

If you’re in this familiar pattern, it’s normal to feel compassionate towards the blamer because you:

  • Feel selfless towards everyone.
  • Feel immense protection and love for the blamer.
  • Feel sorry for the blamer and want to give them the love they don’t get elsewhere.

Unpack The Truth

It’s important to remember that their truth isn’t inherent to the actual truth.

Blame is usually a manifestation of power and control. The blamer doesn’t want to assume responsibility for what they did.

They want to shift that problem to someone else.

You should have picked up the dry cleaning. You weren’t listening to me. You can’t even cook dinner right.

What’s the common theme here? These retorts are nasty, but they are simply perspectives. At its core, the blame is an opinion, and opinion doesn’t translate to a truth.

How to Deal With Someone Who Blames You for Everything? An Overview

“My husband blames me for everything. I didn’t get the car washed.

I should have called around and gotten more quotes.

I shouldn’t have spent so much money grocery shopping.

I don’t know what to do about it anymore!”

If your wife or husband blames you for everything, you need some actionable steps for dealing with this pain.

Chances are, their behavior makes you feel like a bad person. It can trigger immense emotions of guilt, shame, or fear.

Likewise, it goes without saying that this cycle can also trigger resentment and tension in the marriage.

1. Consider the Context

When dealing with a blamer, you need to be mindful of your intentions. The stakes are obviously different depending on the person.

For example, if you are dealing with a distant colleague, their frustrating behavior may not matter as much.

You might be able to let the issue roll off your back because it isn’t worth the effort.

But if it’s your partner, it’s a different story.

If it’s an isolated event, it may be best just to let it go. People make mistakes.

(Video) Why can narcissists not accept blame? | Stop taking the blame for the narcissist!

At times, trying to fight it and defend yourself may cause more distress than doing nothing at all.

If it’s a repeated pattern, you will need a more assertive approach.

2. Share Your Feelings

In mild cases of blame, it may be worth sharing your feelings with the other person.

This strategy is beneficial if you suspect they may be unaware of their behavior.

It’s also helpful if you believe they have enough empathy to understand and acknowledge how you may feel.

When you share your feelings, it’s crucial to be direct and specific. Some examples include:

  • I do not appreciate being blamed for _____.
  • When you blamed me for ____, I felt ______.
  • I am feeling blamed right now.

Try to avoid excessive all-or-nothing statements like you always blame me for ____ or you never take responsibility!

The world rarely exists in such absolutes. Furthermore, these statements often come across as accusatory, making the other person feel defensive.

If the other person is receptive, you can work together to build a healthier relationship.

It’s important to continue sharing your feelings if the same problems emerge.

There is a caveat to this suggestion. Sharing your feelings often won’t work if the other person is highly manipulative, narcissistic, or abusive.

These individuals won’t be able to recognize their role in the blame.

They will likely insist that you’re dramatic or unfair. They might also deny blaming you for anything in the first place.

In severe cases, they may become physically abusive to “punish you” for standing up to them.

3. Educate Yourself On The Symptoms of Emotional Abuse

Blame isn’t always harmless, especially if the other person blames you persistently and chronically.

If that’s the case, this pattern can be one of the key factors associated with emotional and physical abuse.

As a loved one, it’s crucial for you to identify these warning signs associated with blame:

  • Accusing you of flirting, cheating, or being distrustful.
  • Accusing you of their abusive behavior (it’s your fault for making me so angry!)
  • Accusing you of being abusive.
  • Accusing you of being needy, clingy, or dependent on the relationship.
  • Accusing you of messing things up.
  • Accusing you every time an issue arises.

This pattern of someone constantly blaming you is toxic. Over time, it can utterly destroy your well-being.

If you have children, it also places them at significant risk for abuse.

Remember that emotional abuse can start slowly. It’s not uncommon for blamers or narcissists to charm others when trying to build a connection.

This charm can be enchanting, and it can trick you into believing that they are kind, compassionate people.

Unfortunately, once they build your trust- and it may not take very long- they can easily take advantage of you.

4. Enforce Your Boundaries

When someone continues to blame you, it’s essential to reflect on your reactions.

(Video) What to do when someone blames you for something you didn't do - BK Suraj Bhai

Do you become combative and argumentative? If so, this reaction often triggers them to continue with the blaming.

Or do you become quiet and submissive? This approach can also reinforce their behavior.

At that point, they have a reason to believe they’re right since you appear to be “giving in.”

Of course, boundaries can be different for everyone. Some of the boundaries are verbal and tangible,

such as telling someone you won’t take responsibility for specific behavior.

Others are more abstract, such as you distancing yourself emotionally from a toxic person.

Some healthy boundaries to maintain with someone who blames you for everything include:

  • Labeling the action (I feel blamed) with the consequence (and I won’t tolerate it).
  • Remaining neutral and nonreactive when being blamed.
  • Asking the person to leave your home or end the conversation altogether.
  • Setting limits as to how much information you share with the blamer.
  • Ending your relationship with the person altogether.

5. Cultivate Your Self-Esteem

What makes you feel important? What makes you feel happy and fulfilled?

Your self-esteem sets the foundation for the relationships you enjoy in your life.

Unfortunately, people with low self-esteem tend to enable toxic behavior from others. They often don’t think they deserve anything better.

Spend time trying to strengthen your self-esteem by:

  • Practicing positive affirmations that remind you of your inherent worth.
  • Spending more time with people who make you feel good about yourself.
  • Engaging in meaningful hobbies that you enjoy.
  • Practicing more mindfulness throughout the day.
  • Cutting back or eliminating the time spent on tasks that drain your energy.

The more you build your self-esteem, the less tolerance you will have for negative people.

You will naturally require respect in your relationships, and you will also enjoy a mutual take-and-give symbiosis with others.

Final Thoughts

If you constantly feel blamed, you probably also feel tired, overwhelmed, and angry.

These reactions are normal. But it’s important to take action to change the situation.

You are not required to tolerate this behavior. Subsequently, you are not obligated to be treated like a punching bag!

Consider talking to the other person about how you feel. If they are not responsive or the situation continues to worsen, it’s time to seriously reflect on your relationship and your intentions for staying together.

Nobody is perfect. But if someone constantly blames and puts you down, is that really a person you want around in your life?

Would you Like To Read Some More About This Topic?

How to Deal With Someone Who Blames You for Everything? (8)6 Ways To Stop The Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse
How to Deal With Someone Who Blames You for Everything? (9)What is Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome?
How to Deal With Someone Who Blames You for Everything? (10)Silent Treatment is a Form of Emotional Abuse
How to Deal With Someone Who Blames You for Everything? (11)How To Piss Off a Narcissist?

Sharing is Caring

(Video) What to Do If Your Partner Blames You When Things Go Wrong and Is Gaslighting You, RME Ep. 162

FAQs

What to say to someone who is blaming you? ›

  • “You screwed up.”
  • “Where were you? You didn't do what you were supposed to do!”
  • “This is your fault. I need you to take responsibility.” ...
  • Walking Away. When you feel attacked, you get triggered. ...
  • Giving In. You're right. ...
  • Counter-Blaming. ...
  • Defending Yourself. ...
  • Explaining Calmly and Rationally.
14 Jun 2018

What does it mean when someone constantly blames you for everything? ›

There are many reasons why this happens—blaming someone else for your problems is called narcissism, denial, and projection. It's also merely an intense form of self-absorption and selfishness. After all, it's much easier to throw your problems onto someone else rather than reflect inwards.

How do you deal with being blamed for something you didn't do? ›

The first thing you can do is to remind yourself that it wasn't your fault. It can be hurtful and make you feel confused when you are blamed for something that you didn't do. You can try talking to the person that blamed you in the first place and tell them how you feel.

What do you say to a blamer? ›

Acknowledge what the blamer is saying, and ask what you can do to help. Once you take ownership of the issue, you can apologize, clarify what happened and why, seek a solution, and move on. It's important to make clear that you're more interested in resolving the issue than in being right.

What causes people to blame others? ›

Your positive influence on others and yourself.

Blame has been found by a recent study to be contagious. If you blame, those around you are more likely to then turn and blame others for things. In other words, you are spreading the tendency to avoid responsibility to those around you, both at work and at home.

What do you call someone who deflects blame? ›

They turn the story around to make it seem like you are at fault, deflecting attention and blame away from them to make you feel guilty. This type of emotional manipulation is called gaslighting.

How do you deal with a blame-shifting narcissist? ›

How can you deal with it? When a narcissist begins to use blame-shifting, it's usually an indication that you are touching a nerve. The best thing to do is gently bring the topic of conversation back to what it was originally. It's also okay to set a boundary about what you will and will not discuss with them.

How do you deal with someone who keeps blaming you? ›

Here's what you should keep in mind and what you should do if your partner is constantly blaming you for everything.
  1. Speak Up And Share Your Perspective. ...
  2. Ask Your Partner To Point Out The Issue Gently. ...
  3. Stop And Remember That Blame Isn't Really About You. ...
  4. Turn Their Temper Tantrum Into A Productive Moment.
15 Aug 2016

What is a blamer personality? ›

Persuasive Blamers: (Blamers): Those with life-long personalities of blaming others for all problems, including their own. They most commonly have personality traits associated with the Cluster B Personality Disorders found in the DSM-IV: Borderline, Narcissist, Histrionic, and Antisocial Personality Disorders.

How do narcissists blame you? ›

When the narcissist begins to think that someone will blame them for an action, they go into self-preservation mode and will deflect all blame from themselves and onto someone else. This is where the blame-shifting happens.

What is a blame shifter? ›

Blame-shifting is an emotionally abusive behavior or tactic. These are some definitions or descriptions of blame-shifting: abusers have difficulty taking responsibility for problems. They go as far as necessary to attribute blame for their circumstances to anyone else, even if it may sound somewhat conspiratorial.

How do you say it's not your fault? ›

4 Ways to (Politely) Say 'That's Not My Fault' at Work
  1. “I wasn't aware of that—thank you for letting me know.” ...
  2. “The reason why I did that this way is…” ...
  3. “Could we discuss this further in a team meeting?” ...
  4. “I wasn't involved with this part of the project, but please tell me the correct way to handle this situation.”
2 Jan 2019

How do I stop deflecting blame? ›

The first key to stop blaming is self-awareness.

That means bringing more consciousness to your thoughts and feelings, catching yourself (in the moment, if possible, but also at a later time) externalizing those thoughts and feelings, and parsing them for their underlying intentions.

What type of person blames everyone else? ›

People with narcissistic personality disorder are extremely resistant to changing their behavior, even when it's causing them problems. Their tendency is to turn the blame on to others.

Why do people play the blame game? ›

People tend to play the blame game when they fear that owning their mistakes or taking responsibility for an error could negatively impact the way they are perceived.

Why is blame toxic? ›

Here are some of the other toxic effects of blame: When we blame others for our mistakes, we learn less and perform worse. Repeated blaming leads to decreased health and well-being. Blaming others and holding blame inside yourself creates a negative mental state.

How do you talk to someone who deflects? ›

How to respond when someone is deflecting. If you're in a situation where it feels like someone is deflecting, Saltz says you can try to address the situation—but you'll want to use "I" statements, as opposed to "you" statements, as the latter will put them more on the defensive.

What blaming does to a relationship? ›

It can make you feel tiny: like nothing you do is good enough or ever will be. It can break down your sense of trust in your partner and replace it with a growing sense of resentment and anger. And, if it persists for a very long time, constant blame in a relationship can be a symptom of emotional abuse.

Is deflection a form of abuse? ›

Psychological deflection is somewhat similar to blame-shifting and it is a narcissistic abuse tactic that is often used by narcissists but more respectively, Covert narcissists in order to move attention for their bad behaviors away from them, and then redirect it towards other people they may use as their scapegoats.

Why do narcissists accuse you? ›

So, what are some reasons why the narcissist would accuse you of being the problem? One reason is that the narcissist truly believes they are superior and can do no wrong. This core belief is so strongly held and believed; they cannot think of another option other than it being true.

How do you stop a narcissist from controlling you? ›

What to Do With a Narcissist
  1. Educateyourself. Find out more about the disorder. It can help you understand the narcissist's strengths and weaknesses and learn how to handle them better. ...
  2. Create boundaries. Be clear about your boundaries. ...
  3. Speak up for yourself. When you need something, be clear and concise.

What is narcissistic gaslighting? ›

Narcissistic gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that involves intentionally manipulating or distorting the truth to instill self-doubt in someone. 1,2,3. Gaslighting is a form of narcissistic abuse that involves tactics that cause a person to question their sanity and doubt their perception of reality.

What are narcissist weaknesses? ›

A very obvious weakness of the narcissist is their inability to self-reflect and self-analyze. In fact, they're incapable of looking within to understand themselves. They usually use a number of defense mechanisms when it comes to accepting their many insecurities.

What do you say when a narcissist blames you? ›

How to Respond when a Narcissist Blames You
  1. Stay calm.
  2. Tell them you disagree, but don't argue.
  3. Ignore them if you can.
  4. Empathize with them.
  5. Offer to help fix the problem.
  6. Use “we” statements.
  7. Set boundaries.
  8. Change the subject.

Why do narcissists blame you for everything? ›

Because narcissists' inner guiding voice is so critical and harsh, narcissists try to avoid all responsibility for anything that goes wrong. In order to avoid self-hatred, they project the blame onto someone else.

What are examples of blame shifting? ›

I cheat on you when you are too busy working and can't seem to find the time for me.” “I wouldn't have called your mom if you weren't such a horrible person!” If you often find yourself on the receiving end of such statements, you may be undergoing blame-shifting.

What do you say when a narcissist blames you? ›

How to Respond when a Narcissist Blames You
  1. Stay calm.
  2. Tell them you disagree, but don't argue.
  3. Ignore them if you can.
  4. Empathize with them.
  5. Offer to help fix the problem.
  6. Use “we” statements.
  7. Set boundaries.
  8. Change the subject.

How do you deal with a blame-shifting narcissist? ›

How can you deal with it? When a narcissist begins to use blame-shifting, it's usually an indication that you are touching a nerve. The best thing to do is gently bring the topic of conversation back to what it was originally. It's also okay to set a boundary about what you will and will not discuss with them.

What do you call someone who blames others? ›

A 'blamer'. It's slang for someone who always blames others. e.g. 'My mother was a blamer from her early teens.

What are examples of blame-shifting? ›

I cheat on you when you are too busy working and can't seem to find the time for me.” “I wouldn't have called your mom if you weren't such a horrible person!” If you often find yourself on the receiving end of such statements, you may be undergoing blame-shifting.

Why do narcissists accuse you? ›

So, what are some reasons why the narcissist would accuse you of being the problem? One reason is that the narcissist truly believes they are superior and can do no wrong. This core belief is so strongly held and believed; they cannot think of another option other than it being true.

How do you stop a narcissist from controlling you? ›

What to Do With a Narcissist
  1. Educateyourself. Find out more about the disorder. It can help you understand the narcissist's strengths and weaknesses and learn how to handle them better. ...
  2. Create boundaries. Be clear about your boundaries. ...
  3. Speak up for yourself. When you need something, be clear and concise.

What is narcissistic gaslighting? ›

Narcissistic gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that involves intentionally manipulating or distorting the truth to instill self-doubt in someone. 1,2,3. Gaslighting is a form of narcissistic abuse that involves tactics that cause a person to question their sanity and doubt their perception of reality.

Why does my partner always blame me? ›

They feel burdened with responsibility.

So, when something goes wrong – and things do go wrong in life – they feel like they didn't have enough support and that's why it went wrong. Your partner may blame you for their mistakes because you “should have” stopped them from making them.

What do you call someone who refuses to take responsibility? ›

irresponsible Add to list Share.

What do you call someone who doesn't accept responsibility? ›

having no sense of responsibility; indifferent; lazy.

Is blaming a form of emotional abuse? ›

Emotional abuse involves controlling another person by using emotions to criticize, embarrass, shame, blame, or otherwise manipulate them.

What blaming does to a relationship? ›

It can make you feel tiny: like nothing you do is good enough or ever will be. It can break down your sense of trust in your partner and replace it with a growing sense of resentment and anger. And, if it persists for a very long time, constant blame in a relationship can be a symptom of emotional abuse.

Why blaming is toxic? ›

Blaming also reduces kindness and intimacy. Blaming others forces us to give up our autonomy and gives away our power. By blaming someone else, we are actually giving up our self-determination and making ourselves a victim of their alleged mistakes. Blaming is harmful in organizational settings.

Videos

1. How to Deal With a Partner Who Blames You for Everything, Doesn't Acknowledge Their Part in Conflict
(Nicola Beer)
2. My Depressed Partner Blames Me for Everything! Follow these Three Steps...
(Rachael Sloan - Relationship Coach)
3. How to Deal with a Wife That Blames You for Everything | Paul Friedman
(The Marriage Foundation)
4. The 3 Signs of Blame Shifting And How To Deal With It
(Beyond Blue)
5. What to Do if Your Husband Blames You for Everything | Paul Friedman
(The Marriage Foundation)
6. WHEN THEY BLAME YOU FOR EVERYTHING | Why The Narcissist Always Blames You In Your Relationship
(Weav Told Me)

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